Well, I already know this post won’t go over so well but what the heck. It’s Friday and I felt like having some fun. If you’re a female reading this, I will give the normal disclaimer I always do with posts like this.

This is not meant to be offensive. If you are a feminist or easily offended, please…..please click the X in the upper right hand corner.

The best part about this post is that I was not the original author so I can not be held responsible. Have a great weekend everyone. As always feel free to print this out and hang on your refrigerators.

Oh, and just for the record, it appears that this was written by a women. Somewhere in the world, there is one lucky dude.

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things, because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order

Ahhh yes, break out the cheap champagne and the condoms, this glorious day comes only once a year. It’s February 14th and Valentines Day is upon us. Today is the day that Hallmark stores and flower shops live for. Valentines Day is a a great day to buy your spouses gifts and show them some much needed affection.

Although the wife may tell you she wants flowers, chocolates, or jewelry; in reality she probably wants something more practical. I mean flowers, chocolate, and jewelry is so standard. Why not go above and beyond this year and get your wife something she can really use and appreciate. Here are a few ideas gentlemen, you can thank me later.

1. A New Vacuum - I can’t think of a better gift for that special lady in your life. Go all out this valentines day and get her one that’s self propelled. These women work hard for us, and I feel morally obligated to provide them with the tools they need to be successful.

2. A Brand New Ab Roller -If you’re wife is like mine, then you know fitness plays an important role in keeping her happy. As a Two Time Husband of The Year Recipient (2006/2007) I have found that nothing says I love you more on Valentines Day than fitness equipment. This is a way to show your sweetheart that you really care about her health and well being.

3. Maid Cart - With so many supplies, and such a robust assortment of cleaning items to keep our castle’s clean, we have to make sure our wives can stay organized. My wife loves having the flexibility of being able to push the maid cart around from room to room during her daily cleaning. I highly recommend this product for all your wives. When your wife sees how thoughtful you can truly be, it will probably bring tears of joy to her eyes.

4. Kegerator - Most wives realize that men work hard all day and appreciate being served refreshments in the evening. There’s no sense in making this portion their day any more difficult guys. A kegerator will allow your sweetheart to serve you without breaking fingernails or or harming her precious hands. The last thing you want to do is contribute to carpal tunnel syndrome on either of her “cleaning hands”

5. Custom Stripper Pole - Most wives will never admit it, but they do secretly love when we come home from the strip club at 2:00 AM smelling like booze and perfume. Why not bring the romance back this valentines day by including your wife in on the fun? With your new kegerator, perhaps you could even invite your buddies over to watch the show and feed your wife $1 dollar bills. Nothing says I love you better than giving your wife the opportunity to financially contribute to the household.

So there you have it gentlemen. As you can see, the back to back 2006/2007 Husband of The Year Award was not just given to me. I had to work hard for it and prove my thoughtfulness. With gift idea like the ones above, you are sure to have one of the most romantic nights of your life. Enjoy the moment, and share in her tears of joy as she thanks you repeatedly for thinking of her needs this valentines day.

Feel free to share your great valentines day gift ideas in the comments below.

As many of you know I really can’t be too serious in this blog on Fridays. For the love of God, I work over 60 hours during the week. Come Friday afternoon I just want to surf porn and play online poker get everything sewn up so I can enjoy the weekend away from the computer.

If you are female please see the red X in the upper right hand corner and click immediately. This post is all in fun and not meant to be offensive, although there’s a good chance it will be. Seriously, if you get offended easily click the X.

Below I have listed 10 surefire ways to piss your wife off leading into the weekend. These are not just the simple, go out and get drunk with buddies, or watch sports all night kinds of things. These are well thought out JE originals. Enjoy, and feel free to digg this or pass it on

Top 10 Ways To Piss Off Your Wife Going Into The Weekend (in no specific order)

1. Good Wifes Guide - This is an oldie but a goodie. Hang The Good Wifes Guide on the refrigerator and highlight some of the things she could work on next week. Maybe even add some of your own notes….

2. Performance Review -If this does not work, get on MS Word and make an “end of week spousal performance review form“. Ask her to rate herself in several different areas. Be sure to remind her though that performance reviews are simply tools to increase her productivity.

3. Romance - Send her a romantic email, then at some point on Friday night, say “Oh sweetie, I forgot I sent you a really nice email today”. (Obviously she’ll rush to the computer to check this.) Before telling her however, go to the computer she will use and leave two levels of the task bar “accidentally” minimized with porn fetish sites.

4. Lottery Winner (A Jeremy Enke Favorite) - Buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket on Friday afternoon. (Drawing is always Friday night) Be sure to tell her you were feeling lucky and show her the ticket when you get home from work on Friday….then forget about it. Saturday morning go to Starbucks or the gas station “for coffee”. Look at the winning numbers from Friday night, and now buy a ticket with identical numbers for the following week.

Go home, open up the paper and start jumping up and down by the wife holding the winning ticket…..well next weeks ticket (except with last nights winning numbers! “Honey, you’re never going to f**** believe this, look at these numbers in the paper, now look at this ticket I got yesterday”. Let her think you guys won several millions for a few minutes………..

5. Buy her something - Buy her a brand new vacuum cleaner out of the blue. Tell her even though it was expensive, YOU make enough money and don’t feel like you’ve been providing her with all the tools she needs to fully contribute to the marriage.

6. That Time Of The Month - Shout one 1 of 3 things as soon as she complains about even the slightest little thing on Friday night; “When are you finally going to get your damn period!”, “When is your damn period finally going to be over!”, or the fan favorite “Fuck, I wish you would just get your period so I don’t have to listen to you bitch about everything!”

7. Be Safe - Even though you may have had a vasectomy, or your wife may be on the pill; Buy a box of condoms and leave a few empty wrappers in your pants pockets that she will inevitably be washing soon.

8. Weight Is A Touchy Subject - You can never go wrong with weight comments. Come home from work on Friday and give your wife a big romantic hug, maybe even grabbing her thighs or ass while doing this. Under your breath just say “wow, wow, wow”. When she says “What?”. Exclaim, “Oh nothing, I was just thinking maybe we should start trying to eat healthier around here.”

9. Show Your Appreciation - This has to be planned in advance. But earlier in the week ask her a bunch of questions such as “Do you prefer silver, gold, platinum?” Assure her you have a big surprise for her on Friday night. Leading up to this, keep making hints throughout the week. Then go buy her some new cooking utensils in her favorite color. You know what to do Friday night gentlemen.

10. Number 10, Obviously Sex - Friday night, tell her you are going to take a shower before bed. While she’s reading Good Housekeeping or watching Oprah in bed, do this. Get out of the shower and walk up to the bed buck naked. Most importantly, just stand there in dead silence until she says something along the lines of “What’s wrong with you?” Look at her and in all seriousness and say “Honey, it’s not going to suck itself”

Despite the tone of this Top 10 list, I can honestly say I have been married for over 8 years, and my wife and I have never had a serious fight. Well, that’s until she reads this of course. Have a Great Weekend!

Feel free to share your favorite way to “piss a spouse off” in the comments area below.

I think I posted this at PAW a year ago in the cocktail lounge. I am fairly certain it should piss off all the female readers, and give the guys a good chuckle.

Nonetheless gentlemen, if you want to avoid any chance of getting laid this weekend, print this out and hang it on your refrigerator. Then throughout the weekend continue to refer to the various rules. These should come in extremely handy during Sunday football and the Bloggers World Championship of Poker.

If you really want to hinder any chances of getting laid, do this.  Hang it on the fridge and tell your wife that you’re just trying to give her some pointers before her annual review next week.  Happy Friday, have a great weekend!

The Good Wife’s Guide

Originally Published in Housekeeping Weekly May 13th, 1955

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
• During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
• Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.

Here is the printable version for: