Here is a list 13 practical and funny items that I gauruntee nobody on your list has.  Giving a gift like one of these will make you the most popular Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Sister, Friend, or Relative this holiday season. Feel free to share other fun or pratical gifts in the comments section below!

BANANA GUARD – Protect Your Banana!

Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Banana Guard allows you to safely transport and storage individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas anytime, anywhere.

LOCK-CUP

Lock Cup – Anti-Theft Coffee Cup. Are you tired of others stealing your coffee cup?  Well now there’s a solution.  The Lock – Cup has a hole which prevents most people from using it. Only the owner of the cup can use his/hers shaped key to close the hole.

TRANSPARENT TOAST

You love toast, but you always burn it? Than, this invention us for you. This transparent toaster allows you to see the bread while it is toasting so you just have to take it out when the color is right.  This idea is based on a transparent heating glass technology.

BUTTER CUTTER

One Click Butter Cutter controls your portion as an important part of staying healthy. This ingenious butter cutter delivers one standard pat with each click of the handle. You love toast, but you always burn it? Than, this invention us for you. This transparent toaster allows you to see the bread while it is toasting so you just have to take it out when the color is right.  This idea is based on a transparent heating glass technology.

GIANT REMOTE

Never lose your remote again!   With giant buttons, this extra-large remote is easy to use and impossible to lose.  It’s a 6-in-1 remote so you can use it to control your TV, VCR, DVD player, satellite, cable and auxiliary A/V device. It even features glow-in-the-dark buttons, so you can easily find the remote in the dark.  (You can buy them at Wal Green’s for $10 and give it to the person who usually holds same in a death grip but when detached always asks ….. Have you seen ….?)

DAY CLOCK

What day is today? You don’t know? Then you need a Day Clock.  It’s uniquely designed to keep track of weekly events like your golf day, card night, movie night, and so much more. It’s ideal for vacations and cruises when it’s easy to lose track of the day.

CRIME SCENE TOWEL

Chalk outline crime scene beach towel – be the coolest person on the beach!

LASER SCISSORS

Laser Scissors Cutting a straight line has never been easier. Just aim the pin-point laser and follow the line. The scissor blades are stainless steel and cut very clean with a micro edge.

TOILET SEAT LIFTER

‘Who left the Toilet Seat up?’ The Peace Maker  will end the battle of the toilet seat.  Merely step on the pedal to activate the lifting mechanism. When finished, remove your foot from the pedal and the seat gently comes to a rest where it started.

ILLUMINATING CAR SLIPPERS

Do you get up at night to drink water, go to the toilet… Do you wish you could see in the dark?  Remarkably bright LED lights are triggered by your footsteps and light up the floor 30 feet in front of you; ultra-soft plush style are extra comfortable and cozy warm.   (Now I would clarify this as a necessity!)

‘THE THING’ – INFANT PILLOW

The Zaky is an ergonomic infant pillow designed by a mom to mimic the size, weight, touch, and feel of her hand and forearm to help her baby with comfort, support, protection, and development. The Zaky can help calm your baby and help your baby sleep better through the night.

TRAVELER’S PHRASE BOOK T-SHIRT

If you are traveling a lot and don’t always know the language of the country you are visiting, then this T-shirt is for you. It has a phrase book printed on it so just point a finger at the pictogram you need and then point it twice at the question mark, which means, ‘Where is it?’ and in no time you have found what you were looking for… or not.    (Another possibility for the foreign language impaired)

WHEEL-MOVING BENCH

Whether you want to sit on the sun or in the shade, near the river or under the tree… now you have your movable bench, to sit wherever you like.

Feel free to share your comments on your favorite gift or links to other funny and practical gifts! Oh an also feel free to digg and stumble this

This was a fun interview to do.  Many people often wonder what kind of an idiot would play $100 slots.  Well folks, I am one of those idiots.  You can read the full interview here at SlotsGeek.com. In the meantime you can also learn more about Online Slots at SlotsGeek.com. Enjoy the interview.

Have A Great Weekend!

Jeremy’s Interview On High Limit Slot Play

If you enjoyed this post, feel free to stumble it, digg it, or pass it on.  Enjoy.

Below are a collection of pictures (Thank-You Karl Jefferson) of what many celebrities would look like had they not hit the big time and somehow ended up in the ass crack of the world commonly referred to as the Midwest.

I got these in an email and after posting this I was able to track down the original source of this excellent photoshop work.  Thanks to the reader who let me know.  Credit goes to PlanetHiltron.com as I believe they did the originals.

Britney Spears

Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas

John Travolta

Sarah Jessica Parker

Tara Reid

Mary Kate & Ashley

Sharon Stone

Gwen Stefani

Ashlee Simpson

Nicole Kidman

Paris Hilton (would graduate from coke to meth obv.)

Pamela Anderson

Jennifer Aniston

Cameron Diaz

Johnny Depp

The Beckhams

J Lo & Marc Anthony

Tom Cruise

Karl is notorious for sending over some of the best viral emails, and even better he only forwards on the best ones. I think I should make a “Karl Jefferson” category on this blog!

Anyhow, with no further ado, here is the latest I received from him. Thanks Karl, keep em coming!

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

- After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 Million!

- Assuming he got sex every night (which us men know would have never happened), it ended up costing him $26,849 each time he had sex with his wife.

This is his ex-wife Heather:

On the other hand, let’s talk about Elliot Spitzer’s call girl who obviously has an amazing body. There is no doubt that any guy wouldn’t mind spending an evening with this girl. The charges for her were only $4000 FOR ANYTHING!

Here is Kristen:

Had Paul McCartney “rented” Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 Million for an hour of sex every night for years (a total savings of $41.7 Million Dollars), plus the value added benefits below:

• A 22 year old hot babe
• No rubbing her leg in the middle the night “hoping”
• No begging
• No coaxing
• Never Bullshit “No Headaches” or “I’m Tired” excuses
• Ability to put BOTH legs around you
• No bitching or complaining
• Best of all though, she leaves when you ask and comes back when you ask
• All at 1/7th of the cost, with no legal fees

So gentlemen, just remember – Sometimes renting makes far more sense than buying!

One of my good friends is John, and he also happens to be my neighbor. He may have won the Vanista Ct. Olympics, but he won’t be winning any neighborhood awards this weekend. This morning I woke up around 6:00 AM and before I even poured my first cup of coffee, I was outside working on my latest prank.

Shortly after sunrise while John was still sound asleep slobbering on his pillow, his home was proudly displaying the gay flag. I hereby declared today as “Gay Day” at John’s house. Here are the pics.

It was quite comical sitting on my front porch this morning enjoying my Starbucks and watching folks walk or drive by. Some of the expressions were priceless. John and his wife ended up taking the flag down around noon as they left for a quick overnight vacation. (I still haven’t spoken with him). Luckily for me though they put this beautiful flag in their garage…….and I have a key to that garage. It’s now Gay Weekend at the Bauer house while they are gone until Sunday night! I can only imagine what our “normal” neighbors must be thinking.

Don’t feel bad for John though. I have lost a few hundo in the last few months gambling on UFC and bags with him, not to mention losing my hair last year in a bad prop bet. Oh and if you really are gay and reading this….., please don’t take offense, your flag is very pretty.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and remember, never go on a one day getaway with the family if you’re my neighbor. Happy Gay Day!

Life is short, have fun

I actually have a folder set up in my outlook box labeled “Karl Jefferson”. This is where all the hall of fame emails I have received over the years reside.

The video you are about to watch below is of a man getting revenge on his wife for playing with his gun. I couldn’t help but laugh when watching the clip. The only question I have is this: “Why is she out of the kitchen in the first place?” J/K

Have A Great Weekend, thanks Karl!

Winning the bronze medal is typically nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, when there are only 3 participants, it’s nothing to write home about.

The events I am strong in such as Croquet, Poker, and Shuffleboard, I somehow had the wheels fall off and couldn’t capture any gold. And ironically a few events where I was a big underdog such as pool I was able to capture silver. Nonetheless, all I can do is learn from the amazing experience and get back to the training center.

The Vanista Ct. Olympic Committee is actually planning a 2008 Fall Olympics with all new events. Some of the preliminary events are to include Monopoly, Darts, Badminton, and possibly go-cart racing.

My neighbors and I are just that crazy that we also had a fun closing ceremony event with music, beverages, and awards. John Bauer (representing Germany) also known now as “Mista Vanista” was able to lock in the championship belt (better than a gold medal) on the final day of competition with a record fishing session where he only landed 1 small mouth bass.

Jay Sandine (representing USA) saw all his hopes and dreams shatter when he could have tied up the events by catching one simple fish. He had a monster on the line and got it within 6 inches of the shore, and then the unthinkable happened………..the fish got away, and Jay’s Olympic dreams were shattered.

As for myself, I represented India and again had a disappointing showing this year. I am extremely excited about the forthcoming fall Olympics however. In a phone interview with ESPN after the closing ceremonies, I was quoted as saying:

“You know what, I played these guys before the Olympics, These neighbors are who I thought they were, THEY ARE WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE! Now look, if you want to crown their asses, then crown em! I let em off the hook!”

Jeremy Enke – June 30th 2008

This is not meant to be offensive. If you are a feminist or easily offended, please…..please click the X in the upper right hand corner.

The best part about this post is that I was not the original author so I can not be held responsible. Have a great weekend everyone. As always feel free to print this out and hang on your refrigerators.

Oh, and just for the record, it appears that this was written by a women. Somewhere in the world, there is one lucky dude.

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when hes touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things, because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order

Below are 3 of my friends sites you have to go to. Bookmark them and click on their adsense. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

TradeBarryZito.com

This is a buddy of mine who is obviously a disgruntled San Francisco fan. But the header on his says it all, he sucks, he gets paid to much, and he needs to be traded. I remember feeling the same way for a couple bosses I used to work for. Either way it is good to see a fellow affiliate marketer displaying his time management skills by sharing his gripes about a team who by all rights sucks and will continue sucking with or without Barry Zito. Play on playa.

Here’s your link love:

Barry Zito Sucks and for the love of god, if I don’t see San Francisco commence a Barry Zito Trade in the next few months, I may never watch baseball again.

Trade Barry Zito

PartyPoser.com

Next up we have my homeboy from the AP offices, we’ll refer to him as Mr. Miyagi for now. This site is awesome and could easily get big if they keep updating it. Be sure to check it out if you want some good laughs. Alot of the pictures on there remind me of how ridiculous the club scene can be in California. That’s why I prefer to hang out in the Rockford bars sipping on $1.50 cans of Busch Light.

Here’s your link love, hooker:

After further review I found PartyPoser to be a delighful site filled with great pictures of club rats & emo fags. I was also pleasantly surprised to find a few hot bitches surrounded by metro douches.

CookingApprentice.com

Next we have another friend of mine over at AP who shall remain nameless. For now, we will just call her the “Indian Princess”. I am a big fan of this cooking site because every wife should be blogging about the great home cooked meals they are preparing for their husbands each night.

If every women in the world would take their wife duties this serious, the world would be a happier place. I prefer to have my wife show me a schedule of the proposed weekly meals for my approval every Sunday night. For more info, please reference The Good Wife’s Guide.

Anywho, here is your link love:

While looking on the internet for new ideas on dishes my wife can prepare, I ran across this awesome cooking website that had some of the best cooking recipes I have ever seen. It is clear that this women understands the principal that a well fed husband is a happy husband.