I suppose an “About Me” page is where you would expect to read a third person professional write up on myself. Hmmm…. well that’s not really my style, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you “about me” in my own words. 
If Celebrities Were From The Midwest - Here Is What They Would Look Like
August 20th, 2008 by Jeremy EnkeYes, this is another post taken right out of the Karl Jefferson email archives. Since going to Orange County California every month for the past year, I have begun to realize that people in the Midwest are really their own breed. Of course there are the exceptions, but for the most part 90% of Midwesterners, especially women all look the same.
Below are a collection of pictures (Thank-You Karl Jefferson) of what many celebrities would look like had they not hit the big time and somehow ended up in the ass crack of the world commonly referred to as the Midwest.
I got these in an email and after posting this I was able to track down the original source of this excellent photoshop work. Thanks to the reader who let me know. Credit goes to PlanetHiltron.com as I believe they did the originals.
Britney Spears
Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas
John Travolta
Sarah Jessica Parker
Tara Reid
Mary Kate & Ashley
Sharon Stone
Gwen Stefani
Ashlee Simpson
Nicole Kidman
Paris Hilton (would graduate from coke to meth obv.)
Pamela Anderson
Jennifer Aniston
Cameron Diaz
Johnny Depp
The Beckhams
J Lo & Marc Anthony
Tom Cruise
Tags: Celebrities, midwest, photoshop
August 20th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Holy shit dude! This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
Hard to pick favorites, but Tom Cruise and Sharon Stone are friggin great.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Jennifer Annistan had me laughing so hard.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Hey Holloway, aren’t you used to girls like that? I mean if there is one place worse than the Midwest, it has to be the ATL.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
Hahah thats great! Nicole Kidman is looking good
August 21st, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Enke, I urge you to stop smoking crack immediately. Rockford wishes it had even a fraction of the dime pieces we have in ATL.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Lol, John Travolta could be the next Tony Soprano. Some great photoshop work there
August 21st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
As with last week, nice link bait
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
’shopped maybe?
August 26th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Wow, I have to say my favorite is Ashley Simpson. Great hair and amazing shirt. Also, the “Midwest portraits” (the sort that would be in church directories) you photoshopped are amazing–they can even make the Beckhams look awful.
Great skills.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
this is friggin hilarious. good photoshop job, and so true. as a midwestern-er who photographs people daily, i could not agree more.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Great photoshopping!, The Olsen twins rock!
August 27th, 2008 at 7:55 am
I couldn’t agree more. Being from the midwest it really is true, EVERYONE LOOKS THE SAME!
August 27th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Wow, I just got the following email. Lighten up homeboy, the post was meant to be in fun.
I really don’t know what to say except they must not teach U.S. geography very well in Lebanese schools. :themoreyouknow
http://geography.about.com/library/misc/blmidwest.htm
August 27th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
REALLY REALLY AWESOME collection!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Ha Ha, nice work Jeremy.
Did you make these yourself using PhotoShop or did you get someone else to help?
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
The twit raving at you makes it worth the time to look at this great humor. He’s got to get a life and laugh at himself a bit. Good job!
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I would like to say that knowing Jeremy and his sense of humor is a treat. The raving lunatic should stop and smell the funny.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:36 am
Life is short, people need to relax and just have fun.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Tara Reid? I’d hit that
September 9th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I know every one of these people…by their REAL names!!!hahaha
September 16th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Very long, I had not seen such photos. Smejan a whole hour!
Thank you. Added to DIGG.com
September 16th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Funny stuff. As an Iowa resident, I can vouch for the fact that alot of our residents are butt ugly, but there are lots of beautiful, interesting people here too. (Probably more than 10%) And I’m sure there’s plenty of disgusting people where you live too.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Er, I’m in Iowa now and I think it has left the 80’s for quite some time.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
You got issues dude, for real. You apparently think that everyone in the midwest is overweight? lol
September 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
And the comments keep coming…..People take stuff they read on the internet so seriously.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:58 am
These are all from Planet Hiltron. You should probably give them credit.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:11 am
The asscrack of the world?
According to elistist pricks like you, anything West of Brooklyn is the “Midwest”.
Here’s the real kicker - the majority of Manhattanites and residents of L.A. who were born in the U.S.: transplants from the Midwest.
The majority of celebrities: transplants from the Midwest.
Stop being such a dick.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Hey Jeremy did YOU not graduate from Concordia University Wisconsin and yet YOU now think YOU are better than any Midwesterner???? Oh and btw this is a copy and paste from the Planet Hiltron site and yet I notice you took all the credit. You might also want to read the posting under POP Candy site on the USAToday page about you.
I can really tell that YOU are a transplant to CA as all of my friends who are born out there are nothing like you….can you say fake or better yet a wannabe?
September 18th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Don’t agree with the ass crack reference, but I think this post is hilarious. Excellent job!
September 18th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Uh, Sarah Jessica Parker IS from the midwest…
September 18th, 2008 at 11:11 am
These photos are so unrealistic!!!
Entirely too many teeth in these photos
September 18th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Lighten up! It’s all in fun. I think these are great!
September 18th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Which one is Sarah Jessica in that pic?
September 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I used to like Tom Cruise. Now I think he’s a doofus (sp?). This proves it! Oh yeah, this is good clean fun and not to be taken seriously people.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
The latest email I received….
After reading you blast about people who live in the Midwest I decided to check out YOUR about Jeremy page. Funny the link you provide about your 3 people does not work. Funny you poke fun at people here in the Midwest but than the link showing pictures of your “people” does not work….so typical. BTW nice “glamor” shot of you but you walk around all day long with that look.
Enjoy today as you will one day get older and “gasp” fatter yourself. BTW I am not fat and I work out everyday…care to visit and go through a workout routine with me? Oh last but not least I am 51.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
ummmmm im from illinios and we ttly dont look like that so… >.<
September 19th, 2008 at 4:34 am
I think these are darn funny, no matter where they came from! They’re darn good photoshops and really, really funny! People need to relax and just laugh sometimes.
Question for those offended…Would you laugh if the headline was just, “Celebrities if they were normal americans”? or “Celebrities on a bad day”?
Is it really just the “midwest” thing irritating you? LET IT GO. I’m from Michigan…I’ve seen people like this, and some NOT. Just laugh.
One last note…those who enjoyed this, if you want to laugh (at yourself) a little more, read, “Stuff White People Like” by Christian Lander, or check out the website, it’s dang funny.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Apparently all people from the Mid West are overweight and still do their hair like it is the 80’s!
Seriously though - good job on photo shop - whoever did these.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:53 am
You know, it’s really a shame that you didn’t credit Planet Hiltron with these. All these people saying “great job!” , it’s someone else’s work, uncredited. Kind of uncool. And the Planet Hiltron originals are about stars as “ordinary people”, nothing about Midwesterners specifically.
Your page was mentioned on the Onion AV club, so expect to see a lot more of these.
September 19th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
it is insulting….. it insinuates all midwesterners are bald and fat. that’s like saying all Californians are gay. The picture of Brittney is comical however. It makes her look like Rosie O’Donnel
September 19th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
ass crack of the world? yeah right. that makes California the faggot-ass crack of the world…..
September 19th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Man,
The only thing funnier than the photos, which are great, are the comments!
September 19th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Man people lighten up and just laugh this isnt ment to insult midwesterns it just means that once in a while we should all just stop and laugh at ouselves and smile!
September 19th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Seriously I know Jeremy and he isn’t trying to insult people in the Midwest. He lives in the Midwest, you people getting pissed and offended crack me up. If you read some of the other posts on this blog, you would realize that there is quite a bit of humor throughout it.
Lighten up people!
September 19th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Hey dude this is classic. Being from Oklahoma I can say that I actually did find that picture of Ashlee Simpson to be amazing.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
If you don’t like the midwest then you don’t like America, you actually are calling America’s heart the ass crack of the world. Maybe your the reason for my stereotype of California, which is that half American citizens live there and they are all Faggots. California is the reason we have gay marriage.
September 19th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I’m all about funniness are you? Jeremy.Keep bloggin fool.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Thanks for all the comments so far everyone. Keep them coming. I am still amazed at how many people click a link, see pictures, and get so offended that they comment here.
I guess I never realized how much Midwest pride there really is.
JE
September 20th, 2008 at 1:53 am
I’m all for quality, quantifiable humor. This is close to that, except it’s retarded. It’s like the Rainman of clever blog sites. It has a genius concept crapped on by ignorant morons. Celebrities are a hydroponic mix of folk nationwide, they’re are not LA, NYC, etc. natives. The Midwest happens to be the most kind, grounded and down to earth region of the US. I just realized I’m trying to make sense on here, what a fucking waste of time…
September 20th, 2008 at 10:13 am
In looking over your flicker pictures I notice you have a very noticeable receding hairline just like your John Travolta picture…did you Photoshop your pictures together by chance?
September 20th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Funny as hell! You really did a good job on these pics. Pam Anderson is the best!
September 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I think the title should be “If celebrities looked liked they acted”
I am originally from suburban Minneapolis….and I do not know anybody who looks like that, my friends and family, as well. I would say that it represents rural America. It is awesome work, nonetheless. Great Photoshop work!
September 20th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
“In looking over your flicker pictures I notice you have a very noticeable receding hairline just like your John Travolta picture…did you Photoshop your pictures together by chance?”
LOL, now that is some funny stuff. Yes my hairline is creeping further back by the day….
September 20th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
As “Jeremy (not the blogger)” said in #37, this could really be titled If Celebrities Were Average Middle-Class Americans, since there’s nothing particularly “Midwest” about any of the photos.
I grew up on American military bases all over the world and hence was exposed to a pretty good cross-section of the American population; went to high school in the D.C. suburbs; spent the better part of a year teaching English in Russia; and later lived and worked for seven years in NYC as an adult (and now I’m back in the suburbs!).
I can guarantee that if you want doughy fat people with bad hairstyles and no fashion sense, you can certainly find them in Manhattan; and though I’ve never lived in L.A., I have no doubt you’ll find them there too. Conversely, you can find trim, fashionably dressed people in the Midwest and in every corner of America.
Having said that — I’m convinced that even non-celebrities in NYC, on average, are in better physical shape than most Midwesterners (or suburbanites in general) because they get more exercise from walking to the subway instead of driving to work, and walking up four or six flights of stairs every day in pre-WWII apartment buildings without elevators, and schlepping loads of dirty clothes to the laundromat down the block on foot. (And of course this would apply to people in other high-density urban areas similar to NYC.)
And even the non-wealthy, non-beautiful, non-celebrities in a place like NYC will tend to have more fashionable hairstyles and clothes compared to their counterparts in the Midwest, because NYC is, after all, a site where the rich and gorgeous and famous tend to hang out a lot, so their “fabulousness” trickles down.
September 20th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
http://www.jeremyenke.com/2008/08/20/if-celebrities-were-from-the-midwest-here-is-what-they-would-look-like/
Pretty funny shit
September 21st, 2008 at 8:13 am
LA is a cultural wasteland compared to the Midwest, especially Orange County. But you have us beat in gross narcissism and self-importance.
September 21st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
You, my friend, are a douchebag.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:25 am
So all females from the midwest are fat and ugly, huh? Peruse this list…
Cheryl Crow–Kennet, MO
Marg Helgenberger–North Bend, NE
Faith Hill–Jackson, MS
LeAnn Rimes–Oklahoma City, OK
Cindy Crawford–DeKalb, IL
Jessica Biel–Ely, MN
Halle Berry–Cleveland, OH
Raquel Welch–Chicago, IL
Lisa Hartman(Black)–Houston, TX
Nuff Said! (except for if the midwest is the ‘buttcrack’ of the country, wouldn’t that make California and New York the armpits?)
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
pamela anderson looks like our mom did back in 1978 and rani says she likes the midwestern genuine looking peeps ..they had some flair and are in despair.
we all wish wee could do photoshp that way…some of us have degrees in it and still remain clueless to the buttons and whata they do…Midwest rocks…..my home sweet home..
kisses and hats off to the stars of the rockin midwest.
shannon and rani…sarasota ,,florida..right now
September 22nd, 2008 at 4:34 pm
a) good work, if you edited those yourself
b) so those bashing california for being “gay” would probably be surprised to learn that Lincoln, Nebraska (my stereotypically freakishly fanatic football college town) is the 2nd largest gay city (per capita) in the nation. It’s fabulous.
c) I come from a small town in the Midwest. I’ve known my fair share of obese people who dress that way. not many, but some.
d) I do love Lincoln… when the people aren’t obnoxious football fans.
e) don’t bash the gays
f) laugh. out loud. at yourself. for being so serious.
finally
LeAnn Rimes is kind of homely. she’s looked 27 since she was 14.
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Wow man, those are freakin’ hilarious…
however, i gotta say, these midwest stereotypes are killin’ me. I’m from the midwest and have been livin’ in New Jersey an New York for the last 3 years. And, ya know what, there aren’t any hotter girls here than there are out there. However, those west coasters, California, Oregon, and Washington, when i’ve been out there, i’ve been floored. I remember checkin’ out U Wash for a masters and sayin’ to my girlfriend “i don’t think i’m hot enough to go to this school…”
Still, i’ve known plenty of hot girls in the midwest…well, under the age of thirty anyway. heheh
And, i’ll take the midwest sensibility and politeness over the self-centered nature of the east and west coast. Little more common sense in the midlands i think. And sky with stars…i miss stars. never seem to see them in NYC
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 am
I came here for some cheap laughs. Instead, I’ve learned that people all over the world are wonderful, and that not everyone looks like the photos above (except for the original photo subjects, who could be from anywhere, as you have so kindly taught me). If you think it’s a waste of time to lecture people in the comments section of a humor page, you’re wrong. You’ve changed my life forever.
Thank you all so much.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Actually, these photos all look like southerners. Their fried foods and lack of exercise combined with a general laziness induced by warmer weather seems to make this outcome inevitable. Midwesterners tend to be exercise and outdoors enthusiasts, so they’re more sunburned, windburned, and muscular-looking rather than flabby. And the stuck-in-the 80’s apparel is much more of a southern trend. Midwesterners wear jeans a lot more.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I’m from the midwest and not at all offended. I love the pics. They remind me of my high school yearbook. They’re hilarious!!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:35 am
This is hilarious! I will have to show them to my cousin … she lives in Kansas.
September 25th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
dragon - how stupid are you? California isn’t the reason we have gay marriage; Massachusetts is the reason, and I’m damn proud of it! Oh, and if you don’t like gay marriage, then don’t have one.
September 28th, 2008 at 4:03 am
What edition of the Michelin guide are you reading that puts Orange County in the Midwest?
September 28th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
OMG that olsen twins pic is ahhh!!!!
October 1st, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Thank god I moved from Indiana to Northern CA before the genes caught up with me. It’s definitely nurture on this one. Geez oh man (as we say in the Midwest), I think Johnny Depp is my brother!
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
*yawn* Yet another poke at those of us who grew up in the Mid-west. I mean, really? Are people over on the coast really that close-minded to think that all of us are fat, greasy hicks?
October 8th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
ok. Do people really care so much about this title…who cares where he said the celebrities are from, the point is more about laughing at celelbrities as shown if they actually ate food without being conscience of the caloric intake. Did you not see J.Lo? Frickin Hilarious! Back to her real roots!
By the way I’m from the Michigan and I think theya re all funny. Should be titled “Celebrities if raised outside of tinseltown”
October 19th, 2008 at 11:39 am
i thought britney spears was rosie odonnell for a second…nicole kidman is sooo good
these are amazing, and totally look like pictures of people from the midwest.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Some of these people *ARE* from the midwest
Sarah Jessica Parker is one.
Don’t really get the “midwest” thing though. I’ve met plenty of ugly people from the East and West coast.